A mother’s bare emotions!

Paroxysm!! I stumbled onto this word while reading an article few years back. I could finally find a word for something that I feel sometimes; the feeling of grief, a sense of some kind of loss, this feeling comes to me strongly in waves. When I came across this word and googled, there was some sense of relief knowing there is a word for what I feel and at the same time I realised this feeling is not just unique to me.

Sometimes this grief feeling becomes so strong that it makes me want to shout, to cry at the top of my voice. Though its a rare phenomenon (lol) but when ever that happens, I go in my car and howl and cry. I am finding this hilarious while I am writing this but yeah that’s how I behave sometimes. I am not even filmy types but this emotional outburst actually helps me somehow. While I am towards the end of my howling and crying, the sane part of my mind starts the process of intimating my grief stricken part of mind that there is no way out. This is my journey and I have to tread it whether I like it or not, so I better carry on…. eventually my emotional outburst stops and I fix my face, my mood and starts driving again immersed in music.

I am not a religious person but when Jai was diagnosed with autism, I would chant one line “Om Sai Ram” continuously either in my mind or aloud when I would be alone. It took me couple of months to be able to concentrate on that singe line. Eventually, I was able to meditate without any negative thoughts in my mind and just chanting that mantra helped stabilise my mind immensely. Those three words helped build on my inner strength.

After few years when jai got diagnosed with diabetes, there were times when I couldn’t even breathe, I had to put lot of effort for each of those difficult breaths. I would chant God’s name and pray for the dream to be over but it was a reality and was “never ending”. Om Sai Ram words weren’t helping me now. I lost faith in everything. Our life seemed like filled with insulin, food, sugar levels, exercise, and special education and nothing else. When Jai was born; like all kids he had one regular medical file which had all details of his vaccinations etc. Then suddenly one day, developmental pediatrician file was added then paediatric neurologist file was added, few years later; psychiatric file was added and then endocrinologist file was added in Jai life and in our lives. There are three big drawers for Jai in our home, one for his files, one for his regular daily medical supplies and one is where we stock medical supplies. There is one portion in fridge which is reserved for his insulin supplies. My heart would break every time I used to open refrigerator or those drawers initially.

We met with Jai psychiatrist post his T1 diagnosis. I asked him “how am I going to do all this? Handling his autism, his therapies, giving medications and preparing food charts on an hourly basis and checking sugars and giving insulin. What will my life be?” I wondered later not even once it crossed my mind to check with him what would be this disease impact on Jai’s emotional well being, what his life is going to be now? My own son whom I love immensely, hits one more rough patch and I start thinking about my survival? I was mortified when I realised that human being is selfish at the core at least the initial thought or reaction is selfish and I am no different.

During one of my emotional meltdowns, I got this strong urge to chop off my hair. I took a bunch of hair in my left hand and cut them off. I repeated this action couple of times. That was insane. I couldn’t believe I am doing this and couldn’t understand the reason too. This action made me realise, if I don’t control my stress levels, I will go in psychosis. I needed to be fine to be able to support my kids. GRATITUDE – I finally find my ray of hope. This one word is magical.

“Gratitude”, this word changed my life. I started working on developing a genuine feeling of thanking everything I had in my life right from my eyes, hands, legs, Chetan, Gauri, my parents, my best friend, my sister. Every time I would deviate towards negativity, I would say aloud… thank God I can see, do work, think and decide, thank God I have a home, a car, I have enough money to be able to support therapies and medical expenses, thank God I have a wonderful parents who do so much for me, my friend who is a guiding light to me and always there for me. My sister brother whom I love so much, my office superiors and who supports me, my husband Chetan who stopped travelling, evening or late night partying and would be at home by six to be with Jai to help him exercise so that his sugar levels remain in range. Thank God Jai is in wonderfully supportive school, he is independent. There are so many things things in our lives we can be thankful of. It’s just a matter of perspective how one views life.. I had read this half glass full or empty and it perfectly makes sense when one actually applies this principle of focusing on half glass full in one’s life. Slowly this gratitude becomes a way of life. There are still moments when we all feel weak and broken but this gratitude feeling helps to bounce back with energy and I go on with my life with happiness and contentment.. now whenever I open my refrigerator or those drawers I am filled with gratitude that he has insulin supplies and dedicated drawers.